Humor

US Navy Oath of Enlistment

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and because I thought, "hey, I like to swim...why not?"

I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own.

I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the summer, and for Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using worlds like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet."

I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and ensignia, and everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster (whatever that is) at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930 hours.

I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. (Personal favorite)

I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new-found "colleagues."

So Help me Neptune.

________________________________________
Signature Date

28 WAYS TO SIMULATE BEING IN THE NAVY WHEN YOU'RE AT HOME

1. Lock all friends and family outside. Your only means of communication should be with letters that your neighbours have held for
at least three weeks, discarding two of five.

2. Surround yourself with 200 people that you don't really know or like: people who smoke, snore like Mack trucks going uphill, and use foul language like a child uses sugar on cereal.

3. Unplug all radios and TVs to completely cut yourself off from the outside world. Have a neighbour bring you a Time, Newsweek, or Proceedings from five years ago to keep you abreast of current events.

4. Monitor all home appliances hourly, recording all vital information (ie: plugged in, lights come on when doors open, etc)

5. Do not flush the toilet for five days to simulate the smell of 40 people using the same commode.

6. Lock the bathroom twice a day for a four hour period.

7. Wear only military uniforms. Even though nobody cares, clean and press one dress uniform and wear it for 20 minutes.

8. Cut your hair weekly, making it shorter each time, until you look bald or look like you lost a fight with a demented sheep.

9. Work in 19-hour cycles, sleeping only four hours at a time, to ensure that your body does not know or even care if it is day or night.

10. Listen to your favorite CD 6 times a day for two weeks, then play music that causes acute nausea until you are glad to get back to your favorite CD.

11. Cut a twin mattress in half and enclose three sides of your bed. Add a roof that prevents you from sitting up (about 10 inches is a good distance) then place it on a platform that is four feet off the floor. Place a small dead animal under the bed to simulate the smell of your bunkmate's socks.

12. Set your alarm to go off at 10 minute intervals for the first hour of sleep to simulate the various times the watchstanders and nightcrew bump around and wake you up. Place your bed on a rocking table to ensure you are tossed around the remaining three hours. Make use of a custom clock that randomly simulates fire alarms, police sirens, helicopter crash alarms, and a new-wave rock band.

13. Have week old fruit and vegetables delivered to your garage and wait two weeks before eating them.

14. Prepare all meals blindfolded using all the spices you can grope for, or none at all. Remove the blindfold and eat everything in three minutes.

15. Periodically, shut off all power at the main circuit breaker and run around shouting "fire, fire, fire" and then restore power.

16. At least once a month, force the commode to overflow to simulate a 'black water system' boo-boo.

17. Buy a gas mask and smear it with rancid animal fat. Scrub the faceshield with steel wool until you can no longer see out of it. Wear this for two hours every fifth day especially when you are in the bathroom.

18. Study the owner's manual for all household appliances. Routinely take an appliance apart and put it back together.

19. Remove all plants, pictures and decorations. Paint everything gray, white, or the shade of hospital smocks.

20. Buy 50 cases of toilet paper and lock up all but two rolls. Ensure one of these two rolls is wet all the time.

21. Smash your forehead or shins with a hammer every two days to simulate collision injuries sustained onboard Navy ships.

22. When making sandwiches, leave the bread out for six days, or until it is hard and stale.

23. Every 10 weeks, simulate a visit to another port. Go directly to the city slums wearing your best clothes. Find the worst looking place, and ask for the most expensive beer that they carry. Drink as many as you can in four hours. Take a cab home taking the longest possible route. Tip the cabby after he charges you double because you dress funny and don't speak right.

24. Use fresh milk for only two days after each port visit.

25. Keep the bedroom thermostat at 2 deg C and use only a thin blanket for warmth.

26. Ensure that the water heater is connected to a device that provides water at a flow rate that varies from a fast drip to a weak trickle, with the temperature alternating rapidly from -2 to 95 deg C.

27. Use only spoons which hold a minimum of 1/2 cup at a time.

28. Repaint the interior of your home every month, whether it needs it or not.

IN THE BEGINNING

"In the beginning there was a word; and the word was God. All else was darkness and the void without form. So God created the Heavens and Earth. He created the Sun and the Moon and the stars, so that light may pierce the Darkness. The Earth, God divided between the land and the sea and He filled it with many creatures. "The dark, salty, slimy creatures that inhabited the seashore He called Marines and He dressed them accordingly. The flighty creatures of the air He called Airy-Fairies, and these He clothed in
uniforms, which were ruffled and foul. These creatures were not over popular, as their droppings fell on the earth below, but God forgave them because as He said, they knoweth not what they do. The lowest creatures of the sea, God called Skimmers, and with a twinkle in His eye, and a sense of humor only He could have, God gave them big gray steel targets to go to sea on. He also gave them very many splendid uniforms to wear. He gave them wonderful exotic places to visit. He gave them pen and paper so that they
might write home every week, and He gave them "make and mends" at sea! He also gave them a laundry that they might keep their splendid uniforms clean. (When you are God you tend to get carried away at times.) On the seventh day as we know God rested, and on the eighth day at 0700Z god looked down upon the Earth and god was not a 'happy God'. He realized something vital was missing. So he thought about His labors and with infinite wisdom, god decided to create a divine creature, and this divine creature He called a 'Submariner'. And these Submariners, whom God created in His own likeness, were to be of the Deep, and so he gave them a white woolly jumper to keep them warm. He gave them sleek, black, steel messengers of death to roam the depths of the oceans, waging war against Satan and evil. He gave them hotels to welcome them when they grew weary of doing God's will. He gave them subsistence so that they may entertain the ladies on nights ashore and beat the hell out of the poor creatures called
Skimmers. At the end of the eighth day, God looked down upon the Earth and saw that all was well. But still God was not happy, because, in the course of His labors, He had forgotten one thing, He had not given Himself a Submariner's white woolly jumper!! He thought long and hard, and finally satisfied his mind that not just anybody can be a Submariner.

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